A Deer in the Headlights
by lollipoptobi
Summary: Kiba's story of how he fell in love and then tried his very hardest to fall out of it. Rated M for gore and strong language in general, specifically strong anti-homosexual language in later chapters. There is plenty of kissing, but no sex scenes. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.
1. First

This is not a real acceptable thing in my clan. The Inuzuka's have always struggled, since we need to keep as many ninjas as ninja dogs. My father's motto is never to let a good dog go to waste. Well dogs will breed a lot if you don't spay or neuter them and you _cannot_ spay or neuter a ninja dog, the same way you can't spay or neuter a show dog. Even as it is, Inuzuka's are hard to pair off, since we're rough and messy. My sisters would rather wrestle with our dogs than arrange flowers or learn how to wear a kimono properly.

Still, I've always known that I wasn't normal. It's probably actually my sisters' faults for terrorizing me as a little kid. I just have never had any sexual interest in anything with... Female anatomy. Akamaru is the only one who knew, because he knows everything about me. A ninja and his dog should have no secrets, that's another thing Dad always says.

But I didn't realize that I was actually gay until I was practicing my stealth training and I came across Choji and Shikamaru in the baths. Choji was complaining about how useless he was, and I was kind of feeling the same way. I had made a mistake and Akamaru had gotten sick and I was useless at taking care of him because I had slacked off during training. That was the reason I was even doing stealth training in the first place.

Anyway, Choji was feeling down, and Shikamaru didn't even look like he was listening. I mean, his head was back and his eyes were closed. It made me really mad, to be honest. But Choji kept talking about how hard a time his father was giving him. Then Shikamaru opened an eye and looked over at Choji and said, "Don't worry about it. We all have our strengths and weaknesses. The important thing is that you tell me, so when we're in the field together, I can help you out." He was kind of behind Choji from my point of view, though, so it seemed as if he was looking right past him, and saying it to me.

And then the most ridiculous thing happened. I get embarrassed just thinking about it. But, well... My heart skipped a beat. Can you believe it? It was like I was a little girl in love. I still turn red just thinking about what he said. I must've been red as a tomato at the time...

Shikamaru didn't see me, of course. Which was a good thing, because it meant my stealth training was a success, and because, like I said, I must've been as red as a tomato.

Well. I started having weird dreams after that. The type of dreams where, the next day, I couldn't look Shikamaru in the eye. Not that I saw him the next day, or really at all. We weren't close back then, and we were on different teams and all. But my Dad knew something fishy was up, cause I kept having to wash my sheets. He was proud of me though. He took me aside, just to tell me that. He had been worried cause I was already thirteen and it hadn't looked like the hormones had kicked in yet. At least, not from the state of my sheets. God. I felt guilty as hell when he asked me who the girl was, but he was so carried away by his pride that he ended up covering for me himself.

I hope to hell that I never have to have any conversation as embarrassing as that one.

So, to cover up the fact that it was a guy that I was... well... I guess that was where I made my first mistake. I got a girlfriend. I knew she liked me, cause I had overheard it during stealth training. Really, I had been trying to determine if her friend had confessed to Shikamaru yet, but she started saying all this stuff about how amazing I was, and I couldn't help but overhear. So I figured I might as well try to go out with her, cause she was cute and I thought that... Well, I thought I might _change_ if I gave a girl a chance.

I brought her some flowers, and we hit it off, I suppose. I didn't really have the urge to do anything with her, besides maybe hold hands and go to festivals together. Even then, I would've rather been out with just Akamaru. But my dad looked so proud when my sis mentioned it at the table.

To put things in perspective, I started going out with her three weeks after I, well, fell in love, as utterly embarrassing as that is to say, with Shikamaru. A week later, after two or three dates, my parents knew. By the next month, though, we hadn't progressed much and she was getting _real_ testy.

I know, I'm _despicable_. I brought her flowers every time I came to pick her up from her date, and I held her hand when we walked through the stalls. I paid for everything. I was a real gentleman. But really, it was for my father. And I knew it. And Akamaru knew it, too. That's why I left him at home every time, otherwise he would just growl at her and sulk the whole night.

Anyway, she got mad one night, after about a month or so of dating, and so I kissed her. I didn't really feel anything, but her face was as red as hell. So since she seemed to like it so much, I took to kissing her goodnight. Eventually she took to kissing me goodnight, and then whenever we met, and then we started making out. Well, she started it. But I certainly didn't stop it.

It was lucky that we got busy when we did, or I might've gone all the way with her. But because of overlapping missions, we didn't see each other for three months. I always brought flowers to her house when I got back from my missions, and she would always bring me a bento, but it was always that the other had just left for a mission. The next time I saw her was after a failed mission, where I got injured. She brought me the usual bento, and then rushed to my side when she heard I was in the hospital. Well, I was in no mood to be kissing or flirting or talking at all, and she left in tears. By the time I was off on my next mission, she had already fallen for Neji. Not that she was going to have any luck there, Tenten has always done a good job of keeping girls away from him. You see? I actually learn a lot during stealth training.

Anyway, the dreams had pretty much stopped because I had been training myself to exhaustion whenever I could, but I was very careful not to stumble upon Shikamaru whenever I was stealth training. I avoided him like the plague, and when I couldn't, I ignored his presence entirely. Then the training for the chunin exams started, and after we all passed the first test, our teams were always in town, training for the next test. That's when it got tricky, I suppose.


	2. Second

I had the day off because I... Well actually I had just ditched, and I was wandering around the forrest without Akamaru for once, and I ran right into Shikamaru taking a nap. Really, I literally tripped over him. I'm not a clumsy person, but it was cause he was downwind and all and I wasn't paying much attention to where I was going when really I should've been more careful.

Anyway, I tumbled over him and he woke up cursing and almost took my head off with a kunai before he realized it was me. I turned bright red and got up quickly, apologizing like a madman. He started complaining, as per usual, trying to brush off his quick reaction. He had snuck away from Asuma just to catch a nap and I had ruined it...

Then he did something which, until the day I die, I will never forget, although I doubt I'm going to forget anything about Shikamaru anytime soon. He stopped mid sentence, grabbed my hand in both of his, quickly, but as gently as if he was holding a newborn babe, and then looked me _dead_ in the eye. I cannot even begin to describe what my insides did at that moment. I know that my face could've fried an egg though; I could almost see the steam coming off of it.

You think I might've been more self conscious, and pulled my hand back, but I'm pretty sure that the heat from my face short circuited my brain, and I just stood there, bright as a tomato, with every intestine in my torso doing circus tricks, staring dumbly at him. I swallowed and moved my hand in his, to make sure it wasn't an illusion. There was a little pain, and they said you couldn't feel pain in a dream. I moved it a little more, just to make sure that it really was painful, and not a dream.

"Sorry, I cut your hand." He said, looking up. At me. _Straight_ in the eyes.

I froze at the sound of his voice, like a deer in headlights. "Oh." I replied, dumbly. His eyes were so incredibly dark, and they were looking into mine. It was so just unbelievable that something like this would be happening and I was so unprepared for it. I felt like... well I can't describe it. The intensity was like nothing I'd ever felt before. It scared the hell out of me, and even though I was a shinobi of the leaf, a proud member of the Inuzuka clan who had earned his headband fair and square, I was frozen solid.

He frowned at me and gently moved his hand from my hand to my wrist and turned my hand over to look at it. "Is it uncomfortable? I'm sorry. Let me grab something to bandage it." He turned his head down, to look into his little first aid kit that we all keep on our belts. I just stared dumbly at his hand on my wrist until a loud bark brought me back to my senses.

I pulled my hand back suddenly like I had been struck by lightening, and turned to see Akamaru, though I had recognized his bark at once. He jumped at me and I grabbed him in my arms and buried my red face into his fur.

"Hey buddy, you okay?" I mumbled to him. He barked his response into my ear and I pulled back to look at him.

"You'll be the envy of all the ladies with that do." I said, grinning at him. I hadn't forgotten about Shikamaru of course, but I was trying to muster the strength to look as untomato-ish as possible, and to maybe actually interact with Shikamaru without making a complete fool of myself.

"Oi, don't get that dirty." He said from behind me. My shoulders stiffened as I tried to resist blushing. _This is normal, Kiba. A normal, everyday situation. So act like it, damn it!_

"Ah, He's just had a bath and a haircut." I replied, trying to keep my voice normal. I actually did a pretty good job of it too. Akamaru barked over my shoulder at him.

"Still, a dog's a dog. No offense, Akamaru." He said, patting Akamaru on the head as he sat down next to me.

_Oh god. _I thought, tensing at first and then trying to force myself to relax a little. It didn't work very well... Akamaru jumped out of my arms to chase a butterfly, and left me alone with Shikamaru. Sitting next to me. Like, three inches away. Oh. God.

"Let me see your hand." He held out his hand to take mine.

"Uh, it's fine. I'll tend to it later." I was sure I wouldn't be able to keep my cool if he took my hand again. He stared at me for a few seconds and then sighed heavily.

"What a pain..." He punched me lightly on the forehead, as if he were giving my head a fist bump. "Look, I know we're competing in the exams later on, but it's not as if we're mortal enemies. Give me your hand." He reached over me and grabbed my hand. It was my right hand and he was sitting on my left side, so he had to lean all the way over me. I sat perfectly still and silent, just watching him as he moved, until he started disinfecting the wound.

"Ow! Damn it..." I tore at the grass with my free hand.

"This is such a pain. It wouldn't hurt so bad if you hadn't pet the dog. Don't whine so much." He frowned at me, but I was in heaven. His hands were on mine, carefully wrapping the wound with medical tape. I just watched his hands on mine (His hands on mine!) until he was done, trying to will all my nerve endings to that spot. It was a few seconds until I realized he was done. I looked up, blushing, to see him staring at me with an odd expression on his face. My stomach flipped again, but I looked away before I could blush.

"Umm, thanks..." I said, drawing my hand back a bit and flexing it.

"Hmm. It would've been more of a pain if it'd had gotten infected." He replied, lying back down on the grass. "Just don't tell Asuma-sensei that I'm here."

I laughed awkwardly. "I'm supposed to be studying survival methods, actually." I grabbed Akamaru again and ruffled his ears. He licked my hand and barked.

"Hmm." I thought I could feel his gaze on my back, but when I turned around his eyes were closed. "Well then, would you like to nap here? You're the first person I've actually seen on this side of the forrest."

"Ah. Umm... I suppose so." I laid back next to Shikamaru and Akamaru barked again and curled up on my chest. Unable to nap, I stared up at the clouds, watching them change shape slowly. "Ah, there's a dog!"

"What?"

"Ah, sorry, did I wake you?"

"No. I was wondering which one."

"Umm, it was that one that kinda looks like a goat now."

"Ah. The head is coming off..."

...

"Man..." I sighed. "I've never really watched the clouds before. I feel like I could waste my whole life watching them change. They're so beautiful, it makes me - ah!" I stopped and looked over at Shikamaru. He was staring at me with the same weird expression as earlier, one I'd never seen before.

"Sorry! I was just rambling, I, uh, have to feed Akamaru now, so I guess I'll see you later! Bye!" I grabbed Akamaru and ran until I reached the house. No one was home because it was the middle of the day and my sister was on a mission. I went right up to the attic and sunk to the floor, hugging Akamaru close and blushing into his fur. He squirmed out of my arms and barked twice at me. I groaned and flopped back onto the boxes behind me.


	3. Third

"Shit! I must've sounded like such an idiot, going on about the fucking clouds while all he wanted to do was sleep. Goddamn. Now he's gonna think I'm a freak and this is all just gonna be so damn... STUPID! I'm so damn stupid. I should've just left after he finished with my hand. Fuck!" I slammed my fist into the floor and pain shot up my arm.

"Shit!" I had forgotten about the cut. I cradled my hand against my chest and flopped down sideways onto the floor, curling my body around my injured hand. "I'm such an idiot, Akamaru." Akamaru curled up against me, and I just lay that way, holding my hand, until I heard the door slam.

I sat bolt upright. I couldn't let my family know I went up here. I had magazines and shit hidden. I crept down as quietly as I could, but my mom caught my putting the ladder back up. I just muttered some excuse about being curious about Grandma's things and needing to take a shower to get away as fast as possible. She didn't let me leave immediately though. She told me that there was something that she had to talk about with me and my sister.

That was the beginning of the darkest time in my life. I'm almost ashamed to tell you about it. When I think about what a jackass I became...

Well, she sat me and my sister down and told me that my father had left. I found out later that my sister left that night and tracked him down and yelled at him and even cried, but I didn't do anything that night. I just stared at my bedroom ceiling without thinking. I don't remember sleeping, but I woke up to Akamaru barking. I laid there for a bit, but my mom and sis were out, so I dragged myself out of bed and to the front door.

It was Shikamaru.

Well, needless to say, I totally broke down. Not at first. It was hard to believe he was there at first, I thought that I must just be dreaming again. I had left my bag of dog treats behind. I mumbled an apology and then laughed.

"I'm sorry. I'm so goddamn useless." I grinned at him.

He look surprised that I had said that. And then it all came gushing out. The tears, I mean. I just started crying in the doorway. He didn't know what to do at first. He just stood there for a bit. Then he stepped inside and pulled me into a hug.

Goddamn. I soaked his shirt all the way through. We just stood there, him hugging me and rubbing my back and me sobbing into his shoulder, for a good ten minutes. Then he took my hand and led me into my own living room and got me a glass of water and then just sat with me while I calmed down. I told him everything once I could talk.

"It's not your fault." That's the first thing he said. I laughed at that, but I was really happy that someone had said that. My mom hadn't really said anything. I hadn't even realized that I had been blaming myself.

"Goddamn, you are one helpful son of a bitch."

"It's no big deal. Just the truth." I realized he was holding my hand. I didn't do anything, I just laughed awkwardly some more and decided to savor this moment. I promised myself that I would forget him after this. _He deserves better... _

I woke up on my couch with my head on his lap. Akamaru was curled up between my feet. The room had turned dusky. My head was in his lap. My head was in Shikamaru's lap.

I sat up as quickly as I could manage without disturbing Akamaru. It made my head pound and my vision go blurry. I was still holding his hand. I let go and apologized to him. He just cracked an eye open lazily and smiled.

"It's really not that big of a deal. I got to skip out on practice, which is nice." He stretched and got up. "You're sister came home an hour ago, but I don't even think she noticed me."

"Oh. Sorry." She must be really mad still.

"You really should go talk to her, she looked upset. You two've gotta stick together." He went into the kitchen and brought me a glass of water. He sat down next to me again.

I mumbled an unintelligible "thank you" into the glass, blushing. He understood.

"You gonna be okay?"

"Yeah. We've got lots of instant stuff in the pantry." I sighed. "I should probably say good bye to home cooking for a long long time..."

"Speaking of which, my Mom's gonna spitting fireballs when I get home..." Shikamaru laughed a little bit. "What a pain."

I fought down a blush and apologized again.

"You don't have to be sorry, it wasn't your fault. I woulda slacked off anyway." He punched my arm and got up. I saw him to the door. He smiled and we exchanged a little fist bump. I watched him walk down the street.

"Thank you!" I called out on impulse. He tipped his head back. "For everything!" I added. I couldn't see his face from this distance, but he gave a little salute and kept walking.

I went in and talked to my sister. The next morning I found a note pinned to my window ledge with a kunai.

"Gone on a mission. Stop over for dinner at my house when I get back. Shikamaru"

I wasn't able to take him up on his offer for another two months because of all the shit that happened at the end of the exams, and by that time I had gotten myself a girlfriend. I had given up on Shikamaru. He deserved a family. He'd be a wonderful father someday.

I slept with her after a few weeks, and then lost interest. She was so demanding. I got another girl and the cycle continued for several years. I was rarely ever single, but I was never committed. Or in love. And Shikamaru eventually became friendly with Temari, though he denied anything was going on whenever I asked. For those three years we were good friends, but nothing more.


	4. Fourth

And then we didn't see each other for three months, I was single for a long period of time, and Asuma-sensei died. I stood next to Ino at the funeral. Next to her was Temari. Next to her was Shikamaru. On the other side of him was Kurenai-sensei. I can't even begin to describe the pain that I felt, standing so close but so far away from him. I could only imagine how hurt he must have been then, and I didn't feel like I could be there for him at all. It was selfish and stupid and painful. And I couldn't even bring myself to say anything. I just went up onto the roof after Choji had come back down, and sat next to him. I couldn't... Do anything. I was useless. I just sat there next to him as he laid there, curled on his side, his back to me. So much pain.

He got up after everyone had gone, stretched. I smiled weakly at him, wanting to do something, anything. He lit up a cigarette. The distance between us grew so large that for a moment I feared I had lost sight of him completely. Then he put out his cigarette and smiled at me, halfheartedly, placed his hand on my shoulder. He left. I didn't follow. I could still smell faint cigarette smell.

I sat there for an hour or so, and then Temari came up. I was crying by then. I really really don't like crying in front of people though, so I turned away from her. She's a really nice girl. Very understanding, and I mean that. It must come from having had to look after her younger siblings. But she just stood there silently, waiting for me to talk to her. See what I mean?

"Yeah?" It sounded rude and forced, but it was all I could manage.

"It's hard for me too." She responded. "I'm a little lost when it comes to comfort. If that's any comfort to you."

"God. Yes." I said, my emotions now under more control. "I mean, it is comforting. I feel the same way. I _am_ the same way, I mean."

"I know. It's a little obvious when ever I see you around girls." I smiled at that.

"I won't deny it. I'm pretty horrible, right?"

"I don't really see it that way. I think you're just lost."

I didn't respond to that, so there was a silence while I sat there and she stood there.

"You know, I'm homosexual."


	5. Fifth

I went on a mission with the rest of my team almost directly after that. I also started having nightmares. I had never really had nightmares before, not even when I was a kid, but these weren't your typical nightmares. I would wake up after everything bad was over, and immediately start hyperventilating and freaking out. Go into shock, I guess.

Hinata and I grew close because of that. I didn't know how to deal with them, but when she found out one night she told me about having nightmares as a kid and let me hold her. Not like sex, I could never have sex with Hinata. Even before this she'd been more like a cousin or a little sister to me. But physical contact works wonders sometimes.

I'm not gonna lie, it was embarrassing. I would wake up in the middle of the night, panicked for no good reason, and then proceed to crawl under the covers with Hinata and just hug her like a teddy bear while I tried to hold back my tears. I was too embarrassed to explain to Kurenai-sensei, so Hinata just said we were dating.

Honestly. That girl has grown so much since the days when we were all genin. It makes me ashamed of myself.

I stopped sleeping with anyone after the funeral, so the lie worked pretty well. When I got worried and told Hinata that she didn't have to fake it anymore for me and could get herself a boyfriend if she wanted, she just smiled sadly and said that the only one for her was Naruto.

"What about you, Kiba-kun? You told me once that you see your beloved die in those dreams. Who is she?"

I looked down at my trembling hands.

"Shikamaru. It's Shikamaru. Over and over again. And every time, at the beginning, I know that he'll die, and I can't stop it. I fight as hard as I fucking can and nothing fucking comes of it!" I was facing away from her, clutching the blankets in my fists, trying to fight back the tears. "I hate crying." I continued. "I fucking hate it Hinata. I feel like I'm fucking three years old all the fucking time these days."

She placed her hand on my shoulder. "He left on a mission to avenge Asuma a few days ago."

My face paled. I turned to face her. The fear had stopped the tears.

She moved her hand to my cheek. "Don't worry. Naruto-kun was sent as backup."

I could see now that she was afraid too. The fear that made her want to scream and fight and cry, but paralyzed her, all of her. The same fear as mine. We didn't really sleep much that night, we just sat, holding each others hands, cuddling close together. After a while she brought out a small white board and we played games on it until morning. We both had the day off, so we just sat there together. She fell asleep first, and then me too. It was a beautiful dream, a dream of nothing.

I woke up when Neiji came to wake her up for training. He almost killed me before he realized that we were both still completely clothed. He knew my past with girls and was always suspicious of me. It hadn't improved his mood when I started "dating" Hinata.

I left and took a shower and changed and Hinata came to my place soon after. Plans unspoken and worries deliberately forgotten, we went together to the festival that night. We didn't dress up cause we didn't even know there was a festival, but we caught goldfish and ate takoyaki and played silly games and watched the fireworks.

I remember that moment very clearly. The moment that there was an explosion that didn't sync up with the fireworks. The moment Hinata and I looked at each other. The moment Akamaru instinctively lead us toward the source of the explosion. The moment I found Shikamaru, bloodied and exhausted, collapsed in the woods.

I remember carrying him. I remember feeling the back of my shirt wet from blood and tears, though I pretended not to notice the last ones. I remember being able to feel my pulse coursing through my whole body as I talked about random little things to try and keep him conscious. I remember him asking me not to call anyone, just to take him home.

I took him to my home because my mom and sister were out and I knew where all the first aid stuff was. I remember his eyes while I bandaged him. They were looking at something that was beyond anything I could ever begin to see. I remember the feeling that struck me then, that we were sitting next to each other, touching each other, but he was so far away from me, he would always be so far away from me, just like on the roof top. It was a distance I could never bridge.

The cuts had bled a lot, but they were pretty shallow over all. I gave him my bed to sleep in and some time just before the sun came up, I fell asleep next to him, half leaning on Akamaru.


	6. Sixth

The next morning, or afternoon, I woke half in the bed, half out, with Shikamaru still asleep. He had grabbed my arm in his sleep and was still on top of it. I could feel his chest pressing against it as he breathed in and out, which was bare except for the bandages I had wrapped around it. I extracted myself and went through the processes of ridding the pins and needles from my arm. Akamaru had slept on the floor, understanding somehow that it wouldn't do for him to be in the bed.

I called Shikamaru's parents and Tsunade to let them know he was safe. Tsunade yelled at me and told me to yell at him, and also told me to wake him up and feed him as much meat as he'd eat. His mom was just happy to hear from me.

I tossed together a half-assed omelet for Shikamaru and me; the one thing that Temari had taught me to cook that hadn't ended with a fire extinguisher. When I came back to my bedroom, arms laden with plates full of food, Shikamaru was standing on one leg in the middle of the room trying to pull on some pants.

"Get your ass back in bed!" I scolded, feeling like my mother as I set the plates down and pushed him back into the bed. "You're on the mend, just stay in bed today."

"Can't I at least have pants?" He mumbled, still woozy from the pain pills I had given him to help him get to sleep last night.

"Dude, what's the point in pants if you aren't going anywhere?" I asked as I retrieved one of the plates. "Can you feed yourself?" His response was just to make a chirping noise and open his mouth. Before I knew what was happening, I was laughing and the toast had spilled on the floor and I was cursing at the fallen toast while still laughing and Shikamaru was laughing at me and cursing the pain while trying to stop laughing. It was the first time in a long time I had laughed at all, and it felt so damn good.

When we calmed down I gave him my toast and we sat and ate and occasionally talked about something random and insignificant. I felt so relieved to just be there with him that I couldn't think of any greater happiness. I would have been content to just stay in my room with Akamaru chomping on the toast by my feet, just eating and talking and smiling. But eventually we swung around to the big topic.

Shikamaru twisted to get his glass of orange juice from the table and ended up re-opening his side wound, so I took the bandages off and washed off the blood and tried to get it to close again.

"You know, I could call Ino or Sakura over here, they'd be back by now." I offered.

"Nah, these are my badges of victory. I'll let them heal naturally, even though it's a pain. I was worth it though, getting him."

I focused on the bandages beneath my hands. "I knew you would."

There was silence for a while, and when I looked up at him I realized he had been staring at me. I suddenly became aware that Akamaru had left at some point, and we were the only ones in the room.

"No you didn't. You were scared that he'd get me." My eyes widened and for a moment I felt like I had let everything slip, and he could see every last bit of me, every thought I'd ever had, every emotion I'd ever felt...

"It's okay." He smiled a little. "Everyone was scared he would. Even me."

I focused as hard as I could on tying the bandage and then I sat back. He was looking at me with that unintelligible look again, the one that I still didn't understand, that I felt like I would never understand. So I decided right then and there to put it all out on the line.

"Temari told me she was homosexual..." I paused, not knowing where to go from there, but Shikamaru beat me to the punch.

"So." He said, letting a horrible resignation resounding throughout that single syllable, "I guess you know about me then. I'm sorry, I know you're my friend and I should tell you these things, but I never could. I seem to be irrationally afraid of you hating me. And my mom is always going on about grandkids whenever Temari's over... I just don't want to disappoint her, you know?" He had said almost everything like he was on auto pilot, but he met my eyes for the briefest of seconds and began to choke up. He barely managed to add "It's such a pain."

I could barely process what I was hearing.

"Shikamaru, Temari told me she was gay, and so that's how she could tell... about _me_. She told me that she knew how it felt and if I ever needed someone to talk to, I could talk to her. She didn't say anything about..." I made a vague gesture at Shikamaru. "But do you really mean... ?"

He was giving me that look again. That look that I could never understand.

"Kiba, I... Yeah. I'm gay. Do _you_ really mean... ?"

"Yeah." I sighed in relief and almost laughed. "Yeah, me too."

"What about Hinata?"

"She knows. We comfort each other. Not like sex, I just..." I took a deep breath. "I just have been having really horrible nightmares for a long time. And she helps by letting me sleep with her. Sleep in the same bed as her. But she's really like a sister to me."

"So did Temari catch on about these nightmares or what?" He asked, a little confused.

"God no, that was before they started." I waved my hand dismissively, hoping he would just let the subject die, but he must've sensed how much they upset me. Honestly, I was just lucky to have hid them from him this long.

"Then, what where they about?" I saw the genuine concern on his face and I knew that I couldn't get out of this one.

"They were..." I started, and then stopped. I looked down at my shoes, and too embarrassed to talk to Shikamaru, I talked to them. "About... About you. Getting hurt. Every time the dream begins I can tell you're going to get hurt and every time I fight as hard as I can to save you but every time I watch you die. Ever since the-"

His lips suddenly crashed against mine. His arms were around my neck, his fingers in my hair, his chest pressing against mine in an urgent need for contact. But most of all, his lips caressed mine, pulled at mine, bit at mine, captured mine in every way they could. I was too shocked to really kiss him back, but when he pulled away, embarrassed, I grabbed his hand and pulled him into a hard hug, squeezing him as tightly as I could.

"Shikamaru..." I whispered, unable to get anything more out. He was hugging me back now, and I could feel his tears starting to soak my shirt again. "Shikamaru I am so sorry. I love you so much." I was crying too.


	7. Seventh

We sat like that for a while, just holding each other quietly. Eventually he fell asleep in my lap and I moved him carefully back to the bed. Shikamaru's mom showed up with a lasagna for me'n Shika and I let her see him, but he was still sleeping. She just ruffled my hair and thanked me for taking care of him.

"You know, he got so quiet after Asuma died. Usually he complains about me nonstop! And all Shukaku and I could do was tell him we'd be there for him, but it didn't seem to be helping. So if this is the place he wants to be, I won't make him come home. At least, not 'til he's better." I chuckled nervously. I had taken Shikamaru here purely out of selfishness; because I didn't want to leave him and because he was too out of it to ask differently.

She left after that, and I put the lasagna in the fridge, too guilty to eat any. When I came back into the room, Shikamaru was sitting up, staring at the ceiling. He tried to fake feeling better, but I could tell he was still tired. I lent him a clean pair of clothes though, and left him to change into them while I heated up some of the lasagna I had just put in the fridge.

I'm not gonna lie, being in the same room with Shikamaru after all of that was a little awkward. Well, a lot awkward. I had no idea what to do with myself, especially since Shikamaru was the only one eating. I had no idea where Akamaru had gone off to, but he's a healthy male dog, he has healthy male dog needs to take care of. Speaking of which...

I don't know if you guys have ever seen a girl in a big guys' shirt, but it's pretty sexy. I have definitely done that with some of my exes. But with Shikamaru my clothes weren't too big for him, they fit almost perfectly. Anyone who had just looked at the two of us probably wouldn't have been able to guess that he was wearing clothes that weren't his. But the level of satisfaction I felt, seeing him in my clothing, the level of... I don't know what to call it, other than to say that it was a jumble of a bunch of different things, and it was amazing and completely new.

He noticed me staring and flashed a grin my way. I shifted my legs slightly, trying not to draw too much attention to what was going on below.

"If you like your prize so much, come over and claim it." He stuck his chin out, making it very obvious that he wanted me to kiss him, and grinned at me. Kissing Shikamaru was at the top of my priorities list, but I was too thrown by the fact that Shikamaru Nara was actually flirting with me to do much more than choke on my own words.

"I, um... I... Lasagna. Dogs. I forgot. Um. Yeah." I left the room, very clearly blushing like a maniac and I could feel Shikamaru's smile follow me out.

I discovered quickly that I had indeed put away the lasagna, but I didn't really feel ready to face Shikamaru again, so I did thirty push ups in twenty seconds. Then I did another thirty with one hand. Then I did another thirty with the other. I sat back against the couch, breathing a little heavily, and figured that my mind was sufficiently clear, so I made the trip back up the stairs again.

Shikamaru was half asleep, his eyes opened lazily as I reached across the bed and grabbed the empty plate. He smiled, completing the lazy, satisfied look spread across his face, so I leaned down and kissed him gently, but deeply.

"I wanna tell you..." he murmured sleepily as I pulled away, gazing at me with an expression that was reminiscent of the one that I could never understand. As he looked at me through half-lidded eyes, I thought that if I just let him look at me like that a little while longer, I would probably understand... But he was on the mend, so instead I promised him that I would still be by his side when he woke up, even if he didn't want me to be, and told him to get some sleep.

He smiled and his eyes slipped closed. "Mmm..." was all he managed to get out before he was fully asleep again. I sat back in the chair and fell asleep myself, forgetting about the dishes.

When I woke up, it was pitch black outside, and it had started raining. I was cold, and I noticed that the covers had slipped off of Shikamaru and he was curled up in his sleep trying to stay warm. Maybe it was partly because I was cold, maybe it was partly because Shikamaru was cold. Maybe it was partly because I knew that Shikamaru had never liked the rain. Most likely though, the reason I curled myself around Shikamaru and fell asleep holding him in my arms was because I had had the nightmare again. So as he mumbled and turned towards my warmth, I pulled him closer and kissed his forehead protectively.

"It's okay. It will all be okay." I whispered into the darkness, where the words floated like hangedmen, mocking me as I tried desperately to fall into the sleep that didn't come.


	8. Eighth

I woke up in the same bed as Shikamaru. I don't know if I can explain my awe in that moment, cause you know I'm not so great with words. But it was like... It was like everything in the world was perfect in that moment. Of course, Shikamaru still had his bandages. We both smelled pretty bad. My phone was buzzing angrily cause Ino and Sakura were both texting me, trying to get me to bring Shikamaru in for an official examination. But I just focused on his hair and his breathing and his collar bone... And then things got... uncomfortable for me and I decided to step downstairs and call Ino.

She chewed me out. A lot. I think she may have started crying because she had to hand the phone to Choji. It was impressive though, I think she spent a solid five minutes yelling at me. Choji was a little more understanding and listened to my side of the story pretty complicity. I think he understood Shikamaru's thought process a little more than Ino did. The very most surprising thing, though, was that Choji was able (and willing) to convince Ino that Shikamaru would be okay to stay with me.

She took the phone back and grilled me about having all the necessary items for treating a large wound. I reminded her that the Inuzuka's ran the animal hospital next door. She grilled me about proper diet, and I reminded her that I'm a ninja too and I've had plenty of wounds. She grilled my about making sure to keep up proper hygiene and keeping the wound clean, and I gave up explaining and just began agreeing with her. I managed to change the subject somehow to how she and Choji were doing, but she just chewed me out some more. I still remember what she said, almost word for word.

"Kiba, why on earth would you worry about us more than Shikamaru? We were in a group, of course we're okay. Or didn't Shikamaru tell you? He took on that crazy religious bastard who killed Asuma all by himself." She was talking a mile a minute. Her words slurred. I think she was crying again. I almost dropped the phone.

I mean, I kinda had gotten the idea that maybe Shikamaru had taken on the guy all by himself cause he wasn't with any of the others when I found him, and I knew that despite his reputation for being lazy, he did some pretty crazy things, but I still... My rationality had told me that Shikamaru wasn't that much of an idiot. He wouldn't face down a guy that dangerous all by himself. He would at least take precautions...

Ino rattled on into my ear about the plan and I gripped the back of the chair tighter and tighter. He had taken precautions, but what if the blood switch hadn't worked? What if the paper bombs had been duds? What if that guy had caught on to the plan before Shikamaru got him in position, with the paper bombs to help?

_What if the hole isn't deep enough? What if he comes back?_

I took a deep breath. And then another one. Shikamaru was a fully qualified chunin, who lead his own team and was even allowed to advise the Hokage on occasion. He was one of the smartest ninja that the Leaf had ever seen. He would be alright. He was alright. He would be safe.

I tuned back in to Ino, who had circled around to lecturing me about hygiene again. I made a note that talking was what calmed her down, and that I should avoid phone calls to her in the future. But for the most part, I let her talk, and then eventually feigned that I had heard something upstairs to ease her into saying good bye. I went back upstairs to where Shikamaru was still sleeping, and—suddenly exhausted—crawled in next to him and fell asleep again.

* * *

A/N: Thank you for reading this far! I have much much _much_ more planned for this couple and I really hope you continue reading this story despite my less than regular updates. I must warn you though, the next chapter gets pretty gory and I plan on introducing some really slanderous language towards homosexuals in future chapters, so if that is not to your taste, please discontinue reading this story. I do not plan on including any sex scenes, although there will be sexual themes throughout, and depending on reader feedback, I might change that. So please, let me know what you think, and strap yourselves in for a bumpy ride!


	9. Ninth

When I woke up, my Mom and Sis were having a row downstairs. It was a usual occurrence in those days, probably about something small. Shikamaru was awake too. He had managed to pull himself out of bed, and he was sitting in the chair watching me sleep. He grinned at me lazily when we met eyes, and I thought that he looked very much like a Tom cat who was very pleased about having caught something and I told him so. His response was to blush slightly.

"I succeeded in avenging my sensei's death and woke up a few days later in the same bed as an incredibly handsome shinobi. Of course I'm pleased." I looked over my shoulder, as if looking for someone else and he smiled at that.

I wanted to kiss him, to pull him into bed next to me and kiss him hard and everywhere, to do unspeakable things with him, oh how I wanted to... But something shattered downstairs. Shikamaru felt me wince.

"Let's sneak out the back." He suggested.

"Your wounds..."

"... Are doing just fine. It's not like I let him damage anything vital. It's actually mostly burns." He peered down the stairway, and something else shattered. "No good, they're in the Kitchen."

"Yeah, Ino was telling me about..." I trailed off as he strode back across the room determinedly. "The window? No. I'm drawing the line. Plus, I'm not even dressed yet!"

"You never took your clothes off. It'd be a pain to let you get sucked into this fight and you hate them anyway. I'll be fine." He was right, I was still wearing the same clothes from yesterday, albeit a little more rumpled.

"One condition. I'll go first to help you." He rolled his eyes at me, but let me climb out first anyway. It turned out that he did need help because his wounded almost opened up again and I jumped down from the roof to the ground with him in my arms. That was a pretty awesome moment. Handsome prince points for Kiba.

Not that they really counted towards anything, because Akamaru appeared from the bushes then to lead us down the familiar deer trail between the rather paltry Inuzuka backyard and the expansive Nara front garden.

Despite what he had said earlier about being able to walk just fine, he was leaning on my shoulder pretty heavily when we got into his living room. His mom was home, and she chewed him out some more while I rooted around for a set of fresh bandages and some peroxide. We went into the bathroom and I changed his bandages again while he swore at me between his teeth for administering the peroxide in such large doses. I didn't say anything, just ran through the procedure for checking a dog for ringworm in my head in order to falter what was going on below. I'm telling you, there is nothing worse than having your hands all over a shirtless Shikamaru while he is injured and his mother is in the next room and you can't do a damned thing. I should be given a sainthood for my exemplary abstinence during those few days.

It didn't help that he kissed me, long and hard, before getting up to confront his mother again. She proclaimed that he would be confined to his bed for the next week and wouldn't be allowed to see anyone, nope, not even you, young man. "My son needs to do some deep thinking about how sane it is to confront a psychopathic, insane, immortal, mass murderer all on his own before he allowed out of my house again."

"What a pain." He grumbled as she herded him to bed.

"Let me know when you get out on probation!" I called after him.

He waved a lazy hand in acknowledgement, but I even from that distance I could tell he was smiling. I knew that I should go home and try to clean up the dishes because Mom and Hana were both to stubborn to do it themselves. But I left that house with a spring in my step and which carried my to the nearest park, where I played catch and hide and seek and wrestled and generally goofed around with Akamaru. He was in a good mood too.

But all fairy tale stories need to end, and no sooner than I got home was I informed by my mother that she had volunteered me for a tracking mission. Some border clan had managed to kidnap some merchants outside of Konoha and they were holding them ransom. Tsunade and Shikaku were stalling them with laborious negotiations, but the Anbu had failed to pick up the trail. Mom was beaming. She always loved getting jobs where the Anbu had failed cause that's where Dad worked at the time.

I barely had time to call up Ino and update her on the state of things, asking her to tell Shikamaru where I was when she visited. She seemed kinda confused, but agreed anyway.

* * *

That mission really isn't worth talking about. It was a cinch. The Anbu had been following visual hints, and the kidnappers had laid several snake trails using that method, but no one can fool the nose of an Inuzuka hound. We are the best of the best. We ran into trouble while trying to overpower them though. Well, I did.

My mind was elsewhere, and while they were really bad at taijutsu, their specialized jutsu turned out to be psychic. They'd get into your head and exploit your weakness. Like an Uchiha genjutsu, but one where they automatically gravitate to your weakest link. Anyway, a little girl got me. Tricked me into letting my guard down and hit me while I was asleep. I was having a very pleasant dream, not a nightmare at all, but she turned it into one. I didn't realize at first, it was just my regular nightmare. It was horrible, like always, but it got worse. _So much worse._

* * *

One minute I was laying on a cloud with Shikamaru's hand in mine, and the next, like a message sent directly from God, I knew he was going to die. I looked over at him. He smiled at me. We fell through the cloud. I grabbed him, tried to get beneath him as we fell. He spread his arms out and smiled as he fell. And then I saw the girl, she was falling with us. Her smile twisted and I knew she understood.

And then we weren't falling anymore. We were in the woods. Shikamaru's woods. He was fine, standing across from me...

Staring at me. Shikamaru was staring at me with a look of horror and betrayal on his face. I put my hand to my cheek and it came away, black with paint. She was smiling at me from behind his shoulder, and there was a scythe in my hand. _NO!_ I wanted to scream at him. _It's not me, I would never!_ But I felt my mouth twist into a cold smile instead. _It's not me, it's not me!_

"I've met Shikamaru Nara before. He came from Konoha to deliver my father's body back to us, hardly even a month ago." She spoke softly and crisply. "_I was able to see his nightmares that night._"

_"Kiba?"_ Shikamaru spoke this time. The hurt in his voice was like a stake through my heart. I wanted to keel over on the forrest floor and beg for his forgiveness.

"I'll bet you didn't expect this now, did you? You stuck up little brat."

_It wasn't me saying these words, I didn't want to say these words, WHY WAS I SAYING THESE WORDS?_

"Do you want to know the nightmare of Shikamaru Nara?" She smiled wider, revealing pointed teeth. "_Betrayal._ Betrayal, and the man who killed his sensei. _And now you are both._" She laughed, an uncomfortable, metallic sound, and her skin began to slowly peel away.

"Kiba, please..." Shikamaru had fallen to his knees. There were tears running down his face and his hands were shaking. _"I can't fight you."_

"I know." I said, in my cruel, high voice. The voice that wasn't me. My hand lifted the scythe, and I tried to look away, but I couldn't. My face was smiling, my eyes met his, and the scythe came down, I brought it down. Into his shoulder. Out of his stomach. Belatedly I heard the thunking noise it made as it stuck there, and the soft trickle of blood on the fall leaves. His mouth opened slowly in surprise, and I realized that he had believed that I couldn't fight him either. He hadn't made any move to protect himself because he had believed that he wouldn't have to protect himself.

There was no more noise. The light behind his eyes went out. I pulled the scythe out, still smiling, and blood sprayed against the trunk. He fell onto his side, his mouth still open and his eyes wide and lifeless. The girl pulled off her face as if it were a mask, and underneath was a face that shifted into _Hana's,_ complete with the self-satisfied little smirk she always wore when she bested me at something.

**_"You are cursed, little brother."_**

And I woke up screaming.


End file.
